Today’s Diabetes Blog Week prompt asks us to write a letter. I tried drafting several letters to a younger me, and didn’t know quite how to say what I wanted to. So I’ve decided just to write a letter to my good old friend, Diabetes.
You…oh you. You’re always there for me, aren’t you? Not always in the same way of course; sometimes you’re there to make me feel horrible. You throw a 400 my way and I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep (after the nausea passes). Other times you throw me a 30 and just don’t want to respond to those juice boxes I start crazily sucking down. Other times you think it’s fun to strap me on the good ole Glucocoaster and take me from 400 to 30 and back up again all in the same day. You especially love to do crazy things to me in the wee hours of the morning – sometimes you tell my liver to dump glucose into my body. Other times you decide a blood sugar of 45 at 4:30 in the morning is more your style. Sometimes you are really sneaky and I just can’t figure you out. Other times, you’re like a sweet obedient child who does everything perfectly.
But no matter what you do, or what I do…you are definitely there. No matter where I may go, I can’t outrun you. No matter what I eat or don’t eat, I can’t outsmart you. You are the one constant in my life; you’ve been with me almost 19 years.
Do I love you? No. Despite you always being there for me…I can’t honestly say I love you. After all, you’ve done horrible things to my eyes. And that’s only one problem. But can I say I hate you? No. I don’t hate you.
Because you give me strength. Mental strength in dealing with the crazy mathematics needed to keep you somewhat calm. Emotional strength in dealing with the stresses you add to my life and the lives of those closest to me. Physical strength in not flinching as I have to cause myself to bleed for you many times a day. You show me how to feel compassion for others. You show me how to appreciate the small things in life. You force me to make choices for my health that other people don’t have to think twice about, but which further empower me to make even better choices.
If you were to be cured…I really don’t know what I’d do. You’ve instilled such deep habits into my life…I’m not sure I’d be able to eat without checking my blood sugar first. I don’t think I could put food into my mouth without thinking about how many carbohydrates are in it.
That’s not to say you don’t stress me out. You do. I have several gray hairs, and I don’t know if you caused them…but I think it’s safe to say you might have. The bouts of DKA in my early 20s and my retinopathy…you caused those. Very stressful for myself and my family. I could honestly do without all of that. (Think you could cut me a break in the future, huh?)
I guess I don’t know how else to say this except that you and I are in this together, for life. Good or bad. Sickness or health. (No, we’re not getting married.) You’ll be there to cause me problems and I’ll be there…frantically trying to reign you in.
Your reluctant bestie for life,